


Federal Bureau of Imbecility

by serenesoul



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack Fic, FBI Agent Tyler, Humor, I hate myself, M/M, Sexual Humor, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2019-03-13 06:13:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13564554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenesoul/pseuds/serenesoul
Summary: Josh just wanted to watch porn, but this annoying unknown number keeps texting him strange things.Or, the stupid crack fic inspired by the FBI text message memes.





	Federal Bureau of Imbecility

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the most original thing I’ve written. Then again I have no clue if anybody has done this. Inspired by my friend Reina’s comment on Instagram that I decided to write because I’m bored. Please don’t be too mean I’m sensitive.

 

* * *

What do you do in a situation like this?

There’s a lot of things that could fill in the blank. And, many scenarios to fit the situation. But typically, you wouldn’t think the situation is your assigned FBI agent watching you through your webcam and- well, low-key falling for you.

  
Josh had seen countless memes of it by now, mindlessly scrolling through Twitter or Instagram and seeing those stupid edited texts that had “FBI Agent” at the top with a ridiculous or hilariously stupid message. He hated to admit it, but some of them were truly clever or funny.

  
Never in his life did he think he would seriously experience a- well, a meme.

  
He was laying in his bed in his apartment one night around 1 AM, probably way too late for a Thursday. His laptop was sat in his lap as he scrolled aimlessly through Tumblr, Reddit, et cetera.

  
He didn’t put tape or a bandaid or anything over his camera on his laptop, mostly because he didn’t believe that stupid rumor that an FBI agent was watching you and monitoring you. He thought anyone who did was ridiculously gullible, and that was coming from the guy who believed aliens could read your thoughts. It was quite ironic, really.

  
And like every middle aged, single and lonely guy in America, he had basic needs. So he wasn’t ashamed or embarrassed of how often he watched porn and ended up jerking off in the middle of the night to some low quality video on Pornhub. And for that reason, he didn’t hesitate to type in the URL only ten minutes later. He was getting tired, and he’d heard from several people that masturbation was a great sleep aid.

  
He scrolled through the feed of videos that popped up in the home page, some of them being incredibly off-putting or downright cringeworthy. Who the fuck would be drawn to these titles? “two latino twinkies rub their caged cocks against yuri pillow”. “femboy uses fleshlight on ugly emo friend”. That one made him laugh. Who comes up with this shit?

  
He spent nearly five minutes trying to find a title or thumbnail that attracted him, but apparently the gay porn community is just awful at coming up with titles. His dick was starting to soften, so he frantically tried to find ANYTHING acceptable to get off to.

  
He settled for a generic video with a title that read, “brunette twink takes 9 inches”.

  
The video started out with something typical, just a tall and tan brunette man jerking off. The other guy was sitting there in front on his knees, just watching the man slide his fist up and down. Josh mirrored the brunette’s actions, pumping his fist around himself in a steady rhythm. He was interrupted, though, by the shrill sound of his phone’s text message tone.

  
This was partially concerning, considering Josh didn’t really have any friends and the few people who texted him only did so in an emergency or for important news. He pulled his boxers back up quickly and then opened his phone.

  
He looked through his messages before seeing the text had been sent from an unknown number. For a moment he considered just ignoring it and going back to jacking off, but the words that popped up under that number confused him.

_‘Really, dude? I know the other ones were cringey but you’re so generic I might puke.’_

Josh almost laughed because of the lack of context, and typed out a ‘sorry, wrong number you have’.

But just moments later the same number popped up again with the text tone sounding through his bedroom. This one read,

_‘No, this is the right one. I wouldn’t mistake my own assignment. Seriously dude, I’ve seen this one before. It sucks. More than that twink does.’_

Josh was both confused and amused, mostly the latter. It sounded like this stranger knew what he was doing, considering the last two sentences. Panic suddenly flooded him then, realizing that someone could have been watching him. But- how? the only window in his room was blocked by the blinds, and his door was closed. How could anybody know what he was doing or watching?

  
‘ _Dude, I seriously have no clue who you are, you’ve got the wrong number’,_ Josh sent back. This time the reply came through two minutes later than the previous one.

  
_‘Jesus Christ dude, I’ve never handled one as feisty as you. You don’t have to be embarrassed, but please maybe weigh your options better next time. Also Pornhub fucking sucks. Try a different site.’_ At this point Josh was primarily freaked out, even though the texts weren’t threatening.

  
Josh then typed out, _‘How in the hell do you know what I’m doing? And seriously dude fuck you, Pornhub is always my go to’,_ hitting send immediately.

  
It was kind of funny and maybe ironic considering he had no clue what the connection was, but nevertheless Josh was still shaken up from the fact that this random stranger knew what he was doing, what website he was on and what video he was watching.

  
_‘Its not my fault your sorry ass doesn’t put tape over your webcam! It’s my job, asshole, and you learn a lot about someone from watching them and their internet activity. Didnt wanna say anything abt it but now, I’m genuinely concerned’_

  
His job? What the fuck did that even mean? Was he a certified stalker or something? And nobody blocks their webcams, that’s moronic, Josh had decided.

  
_‘Do I need to call the police on your ass?’_

  
And though Josh seemed maybe intimidating to this stranger over text, in reality he was scared shitless.

  
_‘Bitch, I can arrest the police! You can’t do shit, I own your ass’_

  
Josh almost laughed this time at this guy’s sass, and texted back right away.

  
_‘What are you, the fucking FBI? You don’t have any balls.’_ He sent to the number. It was meant to be a joke, like the memes he’d come across, but the stranger’s reply had him reading it over again.

  
_‘Yes, dumbass! Finally you figured it out. Its your own fault for not covering that camera, and not going incognito. I’m giving you solid advice here and you go and sass me, I suggest you calm your tits’_

  
Clearly it had to be a joke. An FBI agent doesn’t text you randomly while you’re watching porn. That just doesn’t happen.

  
_‘Nice try, dude. You’ve been looking at too many FBI memes. I don’t know why you texted me, how you know what I’m doing, but i’m not buying your conspiracy bullshit.’_ Josh hoped that’d send the dude off, so he could go back to what he’d been doing before and then go to sleep. But at this point, there was no chance of him sleeping knowing someone had been watching him.

  
_‘Do I need to give you the backstory or something, Josh?’_

  
This was getting too weird. How the fuck did he know his name, too? He was about one strange text away from actually calling the cops and putting a stop to this.

  
_‘Listen, idk who you are, why you’re doing this, but please leave me alone. I’m already freaked out and if you’re some stalker i didn’t know about then please stop. Have a nice night’_ He concluded, turning his phone off and deleting his browser history. He remembered what one of the texts suggested. At this, he clicked on his settings and turned his computer on incognito mode. Hopefully nobody would be able to see what he was doing now.

  
_‘Jesus Christ you are so stubborn, hold on’,_ the text he received minutes later read. What was he going to do? Josh panicked, locking his door and making sure nobody was outside. This didn’t make any sense.

  
After about seven minutes of anxious fits and constantly checking to make sure nobody was in his proximity to be watching him, Josh heard his phone buzz again. Reluctantly and nervously, he picked it up to see what had come through.

  
These were pictures. The first of a selfie taken by a random man, who looked to be about in his mid twenties. He had warm amber eyes and a head full of fluffy brown hair. The background was what really concerned Josh, though. Surrounding the man was at least twenty desks with huge computers and office chairs in front of them. It looked like a futuristic office you’d see in an action movie.

  
The second picture was of a computer screen, the image nearly making him pass out. At the top was a black bar that held his personal info. ‘Joshua Dun, M, 29, Columbus, OH’ was there in bright green letters with a generic picture of him next to it, the one he recognized as the picture on his license. Below that was his internet history on one side, which held the same websites he’d visited hours prior. On the other side was all his social media activity, messages he’d sent, and personal info he’d never shared. For a moment he was just in shock, and he scrambled to text back.

  
_‘There’s no way. That has to be photoshopped or something.’_ At this point he was texting this trying to convince himself. The man texted back immediately.

  
_‘Dude, I can see your expression of shock right now on my other monitor. Just admit it. I’m an FBI agent and you were wrong lmfao’_

  
Josh looked at his camera then, furrowing his brows and then covering it up. Another text buzzed from his phone, and he looked at it with an angry expression on his face.

  
_‘You know I can see you from your phone, too, right? WOW you’re a special one. Don’t worry this is just my job don’t tell my boss tho I’ll probably die’,_ it read. Josh suddenly realized what he could do. What he could do to figure this out once and for all. He pressed the ‘call’ button next to the man’s number, a ringing sound holding out for a few seconds.

  
“I was wondering when you’d finally do it.” The voice says, and Josh notes that this man has an almost feminine voice, higher pitched for a man but cute.

  
“You win. I believe you. But please leave me alone.”

  
The guy laughs, and it’s so innocent. Josh wouldn’t think he was a creepy FBI agent stalking him through his webcam for a second had he not known already.

“I want to, you buffoon! This is my job, though, and I can conclude that you have poor taste in porn. And that’s coming from a guy who’s jerked off to an anime by accident,” he responds. Josh laughs almost involuntarily.

  
“How do you jerk off to something by accident?”

  
“That’s- uh, classified. Anyway,” the guy says. “If it’ll make you feel less creeped out, my name’s Tyler and you should probably cover your cameras now unless you want my shitty and annoying advice. Sorry about that. But I can’t let a brother stoop that low.” He giggles. Josh wants to slap his handsome face.

  
“Okay, Tyler, can you maybe never text me again unless I’m gonna die or something? Please and thanks,” Josh says into the phone, a hint of a smile playing on his face.

  
“Sure. But please do us all a favor and stop going on cringey porn sites, then maybe we wouldn’t have this problem.”

  
“You’re incredibly annoying,” Josh notes. “But the kind of annoying where I’m like, ‘I fucking hate you but you’re hilarious so I can’t bring myself to do it’.”

  
Tyler laughs again at this. Did this guy think everything was just fucking hilarious or something? “Ah, thank you Joshua. I hate working such a late shift. But if you want the Benjamins I guess you have to do this shit.”

  
“Is ‘this shit’ stalking people through their computers and phones and then fucking texting them like you’re NOT an FBI agent?” Josh asks, both annoyed and relieved.

  
“Yes and no. But you can’t tell anybody I texted you. I’ll lose this job. Even though I hate it. God, Josh, you have no clue how many small ass chodes I’ve had to look at because we’re told to ‘monitor our assignments at all times’. Fuck, if I get one more dick pic that comes up in this feed of updates I’m going to consider a mass murder. Just kidding, don’t take that seriously.”

  
“Oh trust me, taking you seriously at this point would be pathetic. But that sucks. I would hate looking at dicks all the time too. You know, in that way. Context is hard.” Josh tells him, looking at the clock.

  
Tyler rambles about something Josh can barely pay attention to. He’s a real talkative guy, Josh learns. Suddenly he’s incredibly bored. He would be down to listen to Tyler all day if it weren’t nearly two in the morning now.

  
Josh cuts him off mid sentence a minute later then, saying, “Tyler, I love hearing you rant about being an FBI agent and having to endure real life pornography but I need to sleep. Please for the love of God don’t do something creepy.”

 

  
Tyler sighs. “Yeah, okay. Sleep well. Don’t let the FBI Agent bite and end up leaking your nudes on Reddit.”

  
And Josh won’t. Not after this situation.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this you should leave kudos or a comment because I love validation in the form of responses on AO3! Thanks for reading.


End file.
